Republican Debate: Part Deux
It was a dark and stormy night in New Hampshire. Ten Republican candidates for president took the stage, apparently with the intention of “debating.” And so began two hours of pandering and expounding – the sound and the fury, all that jazz. I’ve pored over extensive highlight clips and pull quotes from the debate, and what follows is my astute political analysis.
Best Immaculate reception: Giuliani managed to dodge an abortion question when lightning briefly cut his mic. He pointed to divine interference, culling one of the only laughs in an otherwise morose two hours. Here’s the clip.
Best fearmongering: Tancredo on immigration (surprise).
“We’re talking about something that goes to the very heart of this nation: whether or not we will actuall survive as a nation […] or split apart into a lot of Balkanized pieces. We’re testing our willingness to actually hold on to something called the English language, something that is the glue that is supposed to hold us together as a nation.”
Best defeat of straw man: Huckabee. He made sure to differentiate himself from the droves of declared atheist candidates.
“If they want a president who doesn’t believe in God, there’s probably plenty of choices, but if I’m selected as president of this country, they’ll have one who believes in [the Bible].”
Best pity party: Mitt Romney. When the moderator threw him another softball question on his religion, Romney, now a self-styled uber-Republican, took the opportunity to channel JFK (!?) and do the whole “American running for president” routine. Clippy.
Candidate with most friends: McCain, who referred to the other candidates as “my friends” at least 200 times during the course of the debate.
Candidates recieving Christmas cards from Bush next year: none.
Worst part of the debate: the other 115 minutes.
You passed out after you chained me to the radiator, man. That was cruel.
Did I force you to watch that? I remember passing the fuck out, back in the day when all it took was one incredibly bad movie and a 40 oz of 2-11.
His wasn’t clean to begin with. I’ll never forgive Godzilla vs The Smog Monster, Graf. NEVER!
just ask Tyler
But the soul never comes clean….
At least you’ll be paid at the Emerald.
Andy: Yes, as opposed to reaching the masterful heights of journalistic integrity of Andy Dolberg-era gun columns.
“This was the third debate”
… which just goes to prove my point that these primary debates are utterly ridiculous. I think I subconsciously blocked out all memory of one of the them just so I could reference Hot Shots: Part Deux. At some point, they all start to blend together into an unremarkable lump of sound bites anyways.
“I’m tough on terrorism because I hate abortion, and I would use military force against illegal immigrants if they developed nuclear gay marriages.”
PS for reals about the Emerald job? Can I write about sharting myself and have one of those awful mugshots with a little “witticism” underneath it?
Andy: um, no.
Ouch, that’s a nasty burn.
This was the third debate…if you keep this pace you’ll be at the Emerald in no time.