ASUO ELECTIONS ’12: The Official Oregon Commentator Voter’s Guide
Mmmmmmm here it comes everybody! We’re at the climax of ASUO Elections Week. The corner of 13th & University is an absolute no-fly zone, the Ol’ Dirty Emerald is gettin’ preachy, Eugene resembles a special, nippy kind of hell, and the Oregon Commentator is providing some real damp elections coverage this year. With all of this, we see that the cogent, student voter is met with immeasurable adversity, and we beckon him to transcend! Transcend all of this vain tumult and sign into Duckweb anyway. Vote. Pick your poison. Choose the lesser of the inherent evils that will govern you next year. But before you do, learn your candidates from the only publication to have a glass of beer for a mascot—a glass of beer that has arms and a fuckin’ cigar in one hand, and a beer in the other. That’s right, a beer holdin’ a beer! Here’s what none of you have been waiting for. We are proud to present the Official 2012 Oregon Commentator Voter’s Guide.
I.
Cimmeron Gillepsie (Abolish Capitalism)
WHO HE IS: That guy in the Civil War uniform crossing the lawn.
IN A NUTSHELL: He’d like to eliminate all hierarchical institutions, and promote “community liberation and revolution,” “transformative solidarity,” and “stewardship.”
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY: He wants to use the I-Fee “to purchase small arms for the entire student body in order to take over all of Cascadia.”
WHY HE’S ALRIGHT: The question, rather, is how isn’t he?
WHY HE’S NOT: Obviously this platform is seamless, but breaking ODE news tells us that HE HAS UNEXPECTEDLY ENDORSED KATIE & ALEX. Whatever, you still better fucking vote Abolish Capitalism 2012.
II.
Katie Taylor & Alex Sylvester (Katie & Alex)
WHO THEY ARE: The radical progressive choice. Katie’s current ASUO Vice President. Alex is the Educational Director of the LGBTQA.
IN A NUTSHELL: They say they’re “committed” to making every student’s voice “heard, included, and respected.”
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY: They’re into providing intense advocacy for “underrepresented and “non-traditional” students, and aim to place these particular students in the ASUO as well. Priorities include “bringing back anonymous reporting forms to empower victims of sexual assault.”
WHY THEY’RE ALRIGHT: Dear God this is tough. I don’t know, they’re for keeping the DPS unarmed.
WHY THEY’RE NOT: In a moderate dissent, they’re promises to haggle administration for a lower the cost of the new EMU/SRC is a masked way of delaying the process, maybe even an attempt to table the whole idea. I know that if I call into question their efforts to “advocate marginalized students,” I’m earning myself a guaranteed BIGOT accusation, so I won’t go there. But in regards to Katie Taylor herself, as current ASUO Vice President, as a human being, I’m going to try and put the Commentator’s rampant disapproval of this person’s very existence as modestly as possible, but only because she’s literally been a campus publication piñata for an entire school year. How about this: In the Jazz Age, Katie Taylor would be what they may have called a shady lady bird. Did the Commentator just try and insult somebody by calling them a shady lady bird? Look. If you’re into money laundering, secret matrimonies among political figures that help rob students of over 100k, and getting arrested in D.C. to make a statement, she’s your gal.
III.
Ben Bowman & Lamar Wise (Ben & Lamar)
WHO THEY ARE: The mildly progressive choice. Ben’s the Chair of the ACFC and an ASUO Senator. Lamar is ASUO Senate president.
IN A NUTSHELL: Their trying to compel voters to “Create the Future” by helping them pursue big dreams like lowering the cost of education and engaging a wider-array of students in the ASUO.
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY: Priorities include copious student voter registration and “consistent presence in the halls of decision making, on and off campus.”
WHY THEY’RE ALRIGHT: They’re adamant about passing a measure to start the EMU/SRC renovation. Ben acknowledges the “politicization” that plagues the ASUO, and said “we cannot sever relationships like our incumbent.” Most importantly, he took the time to interview with the Commentator on super short-notice.
WHY THEY’RE NOT: Earlier this year, the Con Court found Ben guilty of violating “viewpoint neutrality” as a key voter on OSPIRG’s %97 budget increase. Ben himself, when he was Ben & Katie’s elections coordinator last year, and Ben’s current elections coordinator, Sophie Luthin, have both been formally reprimanded for pre-campaigning. The Ben & Lamar slate is even accused of creating this, a fake website about the We are Oregon candidates.
IV.
Laura & Nick (We Are Oregon)
WHO THEY ARE: The conservative choice. Laura’s the Panhellenic President of the UO Greek System, an ASUO Senator, and a member of the PFC. Nick’s the president of the Residence Hall Association.
IN A NUTSHELL: They want to use the I-fee “to better the student experience.”
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY: Priorities for next year include hosting a “big-name concert” and a “big-name speaker.” Unlike the methods of the other candidates, they want to use Lariviere’s “new and creative” solution for reducing tuition called the “New Partnership.”
WHY THEY’RE ALRIGHT: Laura acknowledges the fact that millions of dollars were lost last winter when the EMU/SRC renovation measure wasn’t passed, and is also adamant about passing that shit RIGHT MEOW. Their commitment to keep funds on campus ensures the worried Commentator that no part of the I-fee will go to OSPIRG. Most importantly, they hosted dollar beers at Taylor’s last night.
WHY THEY’RE NOT: Vocal supporters of We Are Oregon include some of the Commentator’s biggest arch nemeses: Delta Gamma sorority, the Ol’ Dirty Emerald, LaMichael James, and that one frat douche.
