Well, yesterday was everybody’s favorite day of the week, Thursday, and you know what that means: new Eugene Weekly! And you know what that means: crazy letters to the editor. Yep, when it comes to wingnuttery, kookery and moonbatiness, few publications can hold a candle to EW’s readers.

On a side note, it turns out EW is turning 25 this year, just like the Commentator. We’ll let you, the reader, decide which publication has had a more prestigious and honorable history. Just for comparison, though, EW caused a big flap when they ran bare breasts on their cover; the Oregon Commentator caused a big flap when they ran a big, hairy ass on their cover. We report, you decide.

Anywho, on with the letters. Here’s a small taste of what awaits you after the jump:

I don’t mean to be mean or impeach the impeachment movement, but constitutionally you can’t impeach someone who is not legally in office. I wonder if the court can indict itself for failing to uphold the law of the land.

Wait, Bush isn’t legally in office? Jesus, why didn’t someone say something!? You’d think at least one of the country’s great legal scholars would have caught this after nearly eight years. Man, this is going to be embarrassing!

In this letter, Gerry Merritt seems to be confusing Hillary Clinton with some other, Messiah-like candidate.

The skills and abilities that we need are the ones Hillary [Clinton] is displaying: a keen understanding of the modern U.S. polity and an ability to get along with the U.S. public from both red and blue states.

Red and blue states, huh? Last time I checked, Republicans reacted to the sight of Hillary Clinton like a vampire to garlic.

Next, Dorothy Bucher weighs in on the ongoing field burning debate and gets a little Old Testament:

Everyone in my family has bad sinuses because the farmers burn their fields, always have, and always will.

So much for justice. If it is ever meted out, it is only done by God.

Oh, you gonna cry, crybaby? Is the smoke gonna make your wittle eyes tear up? Are you gonna bleed out of your nose and have chronic lung problems? Aww, poor wittle baby.

But here it is, the cream of the crop, my Reader’s Choice for this week’s letters to the Editor in EW. I’m just going to put the whole thing up because it’s too good to chop. Brace yourself for Josh Schlossberg’s surreal magnum opus, which has appeared in just about every Eugene publication in the past couple of weeks.

The question remains: “Who are the real ecoterrorists?” The government says, nonviolent vandals. Greens reply, corporate planet plunderers.

If we’re talking about the most damage to the Earth and its life forms, CEOs have got nothing on the mastermind behind such terrorist acts as hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, droughts and volcanoes.

The evil genius responsible is, of course, humanity’s ancient arch-nemesis — the ultimate ecoterrorist — Nature. From day one, Nature has done everything in its power to bring humanity to its knees because Nature hates us and our freedoms.

If daily terrorist acts since the dawn of time aren’t enough to hang Nature on, we have a chance to catch the tyrant in the act of its latest fiendish plot: the climate crisis.

But even if we thwart climate change, Nature’s final solution (in the undetermined future) is to detonate the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever conceived, annihilating Earth once and for all: the sun.

We Americans must act now because no other country is going to fight this war! Let’s nuke fault lines, volcanoes, the molten core of the Earth!

Poison and bleed dry the planet’s water supply! Spew pollution into the sky, choking Nature to death!

If this doesn’t work, we’ll need a preemptive strike to blow up the sun before it blows us up instead! Because we’ve got to do something!

What’s that you say? “Adapt our way of life to what Nature can sustain”?

Come on. That’s not the American way.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 5th, 2007 at 10:02 by CJ Ciaramella and is filed under Entertainment, Humor, Media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.