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Why Donald Rumsfeld loves Paris Hilton

Who know’s why Donald Rumsfeld likes Paris Hilton? Anyone? I’ll tell you why. People who care about Paris Hilton don’t care about Donald Rumsfeld. And Rummy loves that.

When historians write the saga of the decline of American society, it will not be from plague or nuclear war or famine. It will be from sensational media and the brainless twits that follow it. Every time Perez Hilton gets a hit, every time a radio is tuned to Howard Stern instead of NPR and each Nielson ticker that records E! instead of PBS, agencies can rest assured that these people place a higher value on sensational but irrelevant news.
Instead of educating themselves on global warming or the economy or health care reform, people can find out that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail, or that Michael Jackson’s physician is in his preliminary hearing.

So if you happen to walk in on your sister watching Entourage, or your significant other perusing the latest issue of People, you are formally obligated to strap them to a chair and force feed them good media. Anything with content and depth will do: 60 Minutes, the New York Times, the National Review. Shred the Twilight novel and replace it with The Dark is Rising. Incinerate their copies of Terminator 3 and throw in a copy of Die Hard.

Over Christmas, I discovered to (to my dismay) that my cousin’s music library carried pop-rock and Sysco. I won’t stand for it, and neither should you. The only way to fight the rising tide of bullshit media that we’ve come to accept in U.S. society is to take a stand and replace it.

  1. You changed it from “rap” to “Sysco,” but it’s definitely “Sisqó.” Give the great man his due. “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck; thighs like a what, what, what.” Truly prescient words.

  2. Truman Capps says:

    What is this, the opinion page in the Daily Emerald?

  3. Mike Putnam says:

    How is Die Hard ‘good media’ and Terminator 3 is bad? How is rap music bad media? Does the music we listen to determine the fate of our society? Should we instead listen to the classics by Beethoven, Mozart, and Wagner? Hitler loved to listen to them by the way.

    Whenever I hear about the decline of American society, I ask-when was it better? Was society better in the 1940’s, when the world was embroiled in the worst war in human history? Also, black kids couldn’t go to the same schools as whites then, nor could blacks and whites serve side-by-side in the armed forces. Was it better in the Sixties, when the Civil Rights debate was in full swing, the anti-war movement hit its stride, and MLK and two Kennedy’s were killed?

    When was American society not in decline?


  4. Jacob O'Gara says:

    Oh please. Get over your bad self, Mr. Coyle. Look, of course it’s important for people to know what’s going on out there, but to suggest, in a very poorly lettered way, that our society is declining because of Perez Hilton, Twilight, or–gasp!–rap music is just sloppy and stupid. This may be some holier-than-thou bulljive, but it’s still bulljive.

    Gooooood grief!

  5. Really? says:

    Are you kidding me? This disorganized rant passes for a blog post these days, eh? Can we bring CJ out of retirement?

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