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An Open Letter to the Emerald

Oh God, what’s he going to complain about now?

Rubes. I read the ODE daily. The majority of my time reading is often spent on the second-to-last page of the paper filling out a sudoku or struggling with the NYTimes crossword. I’m not alone: I’d say a good 1/5 of the people in my classes also at least attempt the sudoku or crossword. But facing me every day is Rubes, which I can flatly say is the worst syndicated comic I have ever seen. (Another Creator’s Syndicate comic, State of the Union, comes close.) I have never, ever laughed at it. I consciously try to avoid reading it, but I inevitably fail every day thanks to Rubes’ proximity to the crossword.

But Ian, what about Sally Forth, Cathy, or – gasp – Family Circus?

All of the above can be quite unintentionally funny at times. There’s the sheer stupidity of Sally Forth, the hilariously misogynistic predictability of Cathy (I’m still not entirely sure that “Cathy Guisewite” isn’t a pseudonym for an angry male cartoonist bent on repeatedly broadcasting every negative female stereotype), and the overarching sexual tension of Family Circus. At worst, I can read them and laugh at how bad they are. Their cinematic equivalents are Battlefield Earth and Manos: Hand of Fate. Rubes’ equivalent is Son of the Mask. Every viewing reinforces the feeling that I somehow deserve monetary compensation from its creators and distributors.

I don’t believe you. I’m sure Rubes has the occasional hilarious comic!

No. If there had ever been a funny instance of the comic I’m sure it would have been featured on the cover of one of Leigh Ruben’s books. Is this funny to you? Or this?

Now I’m sure Rubes is incredibly inexpensive to reprint and (as I well know) there’s something to be said for a low-effort feature that can take up white space every issue. But I have a better, cheaper idea: An empty white box with the heading “Make your own comic!” Cheap, effective, and it would creatively engage the readers. Just give it a shot, Parker Trina. And hell, if it doesn’t work out, then how ’bout a Jumble?

UPDATE: I’ve been informed that Parker Howell does not, in fact, have any control over the classifieds section of the ODE. Thus, I redirect my plea to Classified Manager Trina Shanaman. I’ll make you cookies, brownies, or whatever other baked good you desire! (Note: I am not particularly good at baking, but I will try my damndest.)

  1. Miles Rost says:

    After they’ve baked. If you put it in before, you lose the effect…

  2. Don’t know about them brownies, but the man can make a mean gin n’ tonic…

  3. emily says:

    You(Ian) are very good with brownies. Don’t sell yourself short.

  4. Timothy says:

    Manos: Hands of Fate is one of my favorite MST3k episodes.

    Also, I am good at baking and can send you some recipies.

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