Last-Minute Ballot Measure Rundown
Measure 31: YES
This one’s a tough call. Under current law, if the challenger dies during a campaign, the incumbent keeps the office. This encourages an incumbent running a losing campaign to murder the challenger and retain office. If 31 passes, though, it’s more of a gamble. A murdered challenger would be replaced by another challenger — a total wild card for the incumbent. What if the new guy’s an even better candidate? Would any incumbent risk it? So vote YES and discourage political murder.
Measure 32: NO
This is pretty cut and dried. You can argue till the cows come home about how mobile homes are no longer mobile. They all stay in the park and some are even triple-wides with a patio. Fine. But as long as getting them from Palm Harbor Homes to Shady Acres involves clogging up both lanes of I-5 on my Friday afternoon, you bastards are gonna have to pony up some highway funds. Deal with it.
Measure 33: NO
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anything against marijuana, or honest efforts at legalization. But as long as we’re stuck at this “medicinal” dog and pony show, which offers very little for me personally unless I catch glaucoma, I’m gonna be skeptical. And skeptical Danimal doubts very much that Granny Mae, dying of cancer, really needs to have 10 plants and a pound of wowie kicking around the convalescent home. Nobody needs a pound. Not even Damon Stoudamire.
Measure 34: NO
Dude, you know what would be cool? What if we just, like, once and for all split the forests right in half? Just right down the middle like that Suleiman dude did. Just half for us, half for the lumberjacks. Then there’d be no worries, man. Gold mine and shaft. That’d be tight.
Measure 35: NO
I guarantee, you’d all feel differently about limiting “pain and suffering” damages if a doctor recklessly cut off your third leg instead of your left one. Half a million starts to sound rather paltry when you’re in that trench. I could go on but I’d get less funny. Leave it to juries.
Measure 36: YES
Psych! What I meant was no, no, no, no, no. Wait. Actually, sure, YES. Why not? Let it pass, so that any court case brought in Oregon to declare gay marriage constitutional will have to go forward on federal grounds. In federal court. To the 9th Circuit. Then, instead of just having gay marriage legal in Oregon, under Oregon law, we’d have ourselves a ruling with some effect over the entire western end of the nation. Which would just go to show: jumping the gun can cut both ways on this issue.
Measure 37: NO
If you understand what this measure means, and you support it, please get out of my state. If you don’t understand it, vote no. That’s the Basic Rule of these here ballot measures: If you don’t get it, don’t give it to them. This measure is such a disaster I can’t even joke about it.
Measure 38: MEH
I’ll be honest: I don’t know shit about SAIF one way or the other. I suppose I detest state monopolies, which would command a YES vote. But I’m also fearful of unintended consequences. And, as I said, I don’t know shit. And, again, if I don’t get it, I’m not giving it to them. But that’s just me.
