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Ding Dong

Terri’s dead. We now return to your regularly scheduled Michael Jackson E! Re-enactment.

  1. Clint says:

    Stolen directly from

    I Changed My Will Today.

    I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

    Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

    If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, or a dry martini, it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

    Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own fucking business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a permanent coma.

    Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into my case. I don’t care how many fundamentalist votes they’re trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else’s life and leave me the fuck alone to die in peace.

    I couldn’t care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don’t know these people, and I certainly haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own fucking business, too.

  2. Melissa says:

    Pope died.

  3. Timothy says:

    Hey, that screed was against the book of Job, and affront to sense and reasonableness as far as a benevolent God goes. Personally, I don’t think that if you believe in a God of mercy you can really take Job seriously.

    And I do feel bad for the Pope, because he is dying from the worst disease I can think of. Just because I don’t like Catholic theology doesn’t mean I have anything against Catholics personally.

  4. Tyler says:

    Why did the CN pull the plug? It will remain a mystery.

  5. Melissa says:

    No, Pope, No! Hang on just twelve days! I need beer!

  6. Melissa says:

    Tim: No, dear, I didn’t read the side bar. I just happen to be extra-good at recognizing my favorite little anti-Catholicist’s words of fury.

  7. Timothy says:

    Timbo: Eh, well, truth be told I’m not exactly certain God exists and I am certain that if it exists it isn’t paying attention.

  8. Timbo says:

    I hold the belief that we are each a perceptive and effective facet of God’s cumulative awareness and potency.

    Tim, you must be looking out from the ass end.

    Andy, the Catholic church sure ain’t what it used to be. Course, 2000 years of alternating corruption and reformation will do that to you.

    Hey guys, my interpretation of ineffable being is right and yours is wrong. Thus you must die horribly. And… go!

  9. Timothy says:

    Mel: You’re reading the “recent comments” sidebar, no fair you trixy reader you.

    Jan: God is dead, we’ve killed him, we’ve killed him! *waves lantern*

  10. Jan says:

    God is a double-double from In N’ Out. Yum!

  11. Melissa says:

    Somehow, I knew that was Tim’s post before I even scrolled to the bottom.

  12. Timothy says:

    You mean the many ways in which God is a petulant, child-like entity who’ll screw over the faithful to prove a point to his adversary? What’s that you say, Job got a better wife and more fruitful flock in the end? Too bad God had to wreck the poor man’s stuff first, and give him those horrible memories. Job only serves to prove that God is a jerk who will reward your faith by letting Satan stomp all over you for a bit before handing you a carrot and saying, “Aww, look, I got you a new wife, isn’t it all better now?” while ignoring that you already have the horrible scars of dealing with the trauma to which you were recently subjected.

    For much of the OT, and a lot of the NT for that matter, God acts like a power-mad school-yard bully. If I (birth control forbid) had a kid, and every Sunday I let my neighbor destroy all of his/her favorite things in front of his/her eyes, but replaced them every Monday with new, better things, would I be considered a good parent? Most definitely not, why is it okay for God to act like such a jerk then?

    This bitter screed brought to you by: Tim’s falling out with the ELCA.

  13. Andy D says:

    God is Catholic becasue Jesus told Peter to start His church, namely, the Catholic one 😉

    Read the Book of Job to find out the many ways God acts upon mankind…

  14. Casey says:

    No way, God is definatly agnostic.

  15. Melissa says:

    I think God is an atheist..

  16. Clint T. says:

    Oh I didn’t say God didn’t exist, I said he isn’t Catholic.

    And Ja Rule makes me laugh my ass off.. incredibly deep.

  17. Melissa says:

    Ja Rule also said, “You can holler at the dog haters wanna see me fall.” Deep, that Ja Rule. So deep.

  18. Casey says:

    I think most Catholics would conclude that the fact that the Pope is suffering is proof that God exists. In the words of the theologian Ja Rule “Pain is Love.”

  19. Clint T. says:

    “I have my disagreements with The Pope on any number of policies (and I’ve certainly never been a Catholic), but Parkinson’s is a terrible fate. It’s just sad to watch, here’s hoping his passing is at least somewhat peaceful.”

    Who here thinks the Pope having Parkinson’s is proof.. God’s not a Catholic?

  20. ko says:

    I have only ever heard it called “last rites” on TV. I oersonally prefer “extreme unction.” Mmmmm, unctuous.

  21. Matt says:

    This is the Pope’s second time around with the Last Rites Sacrament. He got it after his assassination attempt in 1981 too.

  22. Jan says:

    AP is calling it “the sacrament of the anointing of the sick.” Personally, I think they should call it the “look, you’re pretty much gonna die” rites. But then again I’m a callous, uncaring asshole.

  23. Timothy says:

    I have my disagreements with The Pope on any number of policies (and I’ve certainly never been a Catholic), but Parkinson’s is a terrible fate. It’s just sad to watch, here’s hoping his passing is at least somewhat peaceful.

  24. Melissa says:

    That’s it. I’m calling Miss Cleo. Dat Pope gonna die soon, Miss Girl Thang. Dat ah cahn tell you is da troof.

  25. Danimal says:

    Andy, I did not know that. Y’all might want to think about renaming the LAST rites, then. On the other hand, that quote there (from the Vatican?) reads like spin control to me. If they’re called the last rites, there must be some, shall we say, reason related to finality that explains why they’re given to the seriously ill. I stand by my ridiculous statement.

  26. Andy D says:

    “The sacrament does not necessarily mean that the pope is dying. Last rites — also known as the sacrament of the sick or extreme unction — are commonly given to people who are seriously ill as well.”

    Thanks for interpreting my religion there Dan ;)~

    Yea it does seem like his time is up. He has been a good Pope, inspiring to me also.

  27. Josh M. says:

    I’m picking April 7th, my fiancee’s birthday, in light of her merciless ridicule of the pope and several tenets of the Catholic faith.

    Oooh, if I win do I get a prize?!

  28. Danimal says:

    The Pope holding out for another fortnight or two? C’mon, they gave him his last rites! He’s already dead to the Church.

  29. Melissa says:

    Then again, the stars also point to April 13th. So I’m changing it.

    Thirteen days from today, falling on the 13th.
    His assination attempt was on May 13th, 1981.
    His last release from the hospital was on March 13th, 2005.
    He revealed the third secret of Fatima on March 13th, 2000.
    Chapter 13 in “Things Catholics Are Asked About” is entitled “The Pope”


    there are 13 American cardinals. I’ll be needing 13 beers when I win, thanks.

  30. Melissa says:

    I’m placing my chips on April 24th. First Day of Passover.

    This serves as documentation of my bet. If I win, I will be calling on this post to collect a free beer from someone.

  31. Timothy says:

    Finally, somebody in MY pool is at the door of death.

  32. Danimal says:

    Now, onto the Pope.

  33. Clint T. says:

    Who had the lucky number 13 for days lived off life support/paste tube?

    You’re a winner, step forth and claim your prize.

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