Apocalypse Delayed?
I am shocked–shocked!– that we’ve made it nearly fourteen hours today and the world still hasn’t ended. A bit disappointed too… I was hoping to get out of having to take my finals. I guess we still have the next ten hours to wait.
But this (assuredly brief) delay in the apocalypse’s arrival will at least give me a chance to read Ann Coulter’s latest nuanced, scholarly work. Godless: The Church of Liberalism looks to be the sort of roller-coaster ride of investigative journalism that turns the world on its head and forces literate society to reexamine itself.
Since I’ve always considered myself a Liberal– an increasingly-rare Classical Liberal, to be precise– Ms. Coulter’s book may be what finally jolts my senses enough to begin participating on FreeRepublic.com. That whole evolution thing? Nonsense, of course. There’s no scientific evidence supporting Darwin’s “theory” and what “discrepancies” do exist can be easily explained by the fact that the Bible’s authors simply decided to leave out unimportant things like Jesus Horses. But perhaps the most stunning revelation in Coulter’s book is the truth of what lieberals such as myself were doing on the seventh day. Why, I can remember the seventh day as clearly as if it were only 6,000 years ago. I was sitting around a garden–scheming, as usual, about how I could help both the abortionists and pagans in one fell swoop. I decided the best way to go about this would be to introduce feminism to Eve and self-doubt to Adam. Suckers.
Of course, I’ve always kept my actions on that day to myself for fear of what people would think. Would I be stoned to death? Praised? Offered book deals? Now that it’s out in the open and the apocalypse is upon us I guess I truly have to evaluate where I’ve stood. Even more importantly, how will I be judged for my work amongst Hollywood’s Jewish anal sex-loving elite? Or my efforts to help ethnic minorities have more babies, despite John Gibson’s dire warnings? Or that time I made fun of Scientologists? These are the sins which I suspect will rest heavy on my conscience in the hours to come.
I am left with one question, however: why release the book today? Why not a week ago when I would’ve had a chance to read and atone for my crimes before the apocalypse hit? Oh Ann, you could’ve saved so many of us.
