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Sudsy Wants You to Join the Oregon Commentator
 

Wish Granted

Dear Commentator Staff,

Please invest more time and effort into the criticism and ridicule of what is called “The Weekly Enema”.

Sincerely,

The Brainerd lab monitor who had to stay after close so those stupid assholes could exploit the free printer for their sorry shitrag.

P.S. They wrote some dumb shit about Sudsy being renamed Spelunky or some shit. [ED NOTE:This is true.]

Thank you for your letter, Brainerd lab monitor. We highly value your concerns and feedback, and we will do our best to accommodate your request … starting now.

Yeah, we lost a drinking contest – disgrace, ignominy, etc. The Weekly Enema wrote about it (as linked above). The only thing I really feel the need to comment on is this sentence from the, err, article:

“[W]ould it kill you guys to get a keg of a nice microbrew? Like CD players and choking yourself, Miller High Life went out of fashion in high school.”

Considering that I put a whole keg on my debit card and didn’t ask the Enema staff (or anyone else) to chip in for it, they’ve got a lot of sack to criticize my beer choice. In fact, if they’re going to whine about drinking my beer, the Enema staff can (1) die in a tire fire and (2) consider any future Commentator events they attend to be BYOB. Cheers!

  1. T says:

    Olly: My phone was in my jacket. Missed your call. Drunk now. Will call later. Writing like chromosome deficient Hemingway now. Am not dead. Got wine and tequila to drink. Goodbye.

  2. Olly says:

    Yikes, I remember that. But anyway, I’m sure everyone here can agree: straight lines can sometimes be tricky.

  3. CJ Ciaramella says:

    Oh man, last time I went out drinking with Olly I got lost on the way home … and it was straight up the street.

  4. Timothy says:

    Michael: I am sad to report that years of working in a cubicle has turned me into what is known in the business as “A total fucking pussy”. I’m down, but at this point I’m probably not good for more than 5-10 drinks, which is like 1 El Dorado maybe.

    I bet Atkinson, Ruff and Beutler would still be valuable assets to the team. Lawyerin’, Algebrain’ and Journalin’ are professions more suited to the right kind of training than Bankin’.

  5. Leighton Cosseboom says:

    Don’t take any shit from these shapeshifting hermaphroditites. Strong men also cry.

  6. Kai Davis says:

    *HONK* *HONK* *HONK*

  7. Vincent says:

    Unheard of!

  8. CJ Ciaramella says:

    ???

    One of the admins must be drunk.

  9. Kai Davis says:

    I’m a massive tool. Honk my red clown nose.

  10. Michael G. says:

    This calls for a gathering of OC alums for a rematch with these Weekly Enema folks. Tim, Olly, Ian, Tyler, Dan,… what say you? El Dorados at 6th Street.

  11. CJ Ciaramella says:

    Woah … this is getting heavy. I’m just here for the chuckles, guys.

  12. Kai Davis says:

    Actually that wasn’t a zinger!

  13. T says:

    Whoa, Kai, save those priceless zingers for the print edition, buddy.

  14. Andy says:

    Too bad it wasn’t a scotch drinking contest…

  15. Kai Davis says:

    Totally were. CJ shipped us the invite / details AS DID YOU.

    But like if we want to play the ‘oh man, they totally weren’t invited’ game, fine. But I figure we can spend our time harassing each other more productively. Like organizing drink offs, pranking each other, or drinking beer.

    Your call.

  16. katy says:

    The Weekly Enema was so totally not invited to the party. pbbblthh

  17. Kai Davis says:

    @Drew:

    “The weekly enema is also a rip off of a former UW paper called the weekly enema”

    Jackson Hager, Editor and Designer for the U of Os Weekly Enema, is the former editor of the UW Weekly Enema.

    “only the UW enema was auctually weekly.”

    As far as I have heard from Jackson, no it wasn’t.

    ” The OC would kill your staff in a drinnking contest if we have our primetime players. Have you ever seen Guy simmons drink he is a fucking tank.”

    “Losing when outnumbered by about 2-1 is an acceptable, if not admirable, outcome. ”

    I figure losing when beaten by better drinkers is also an acceptable, if not admirable, outcome.

    @Betz:

    “Still better than most of the other student publications out there.”

    Thank you!

    @T:

    Thanks for reading!

  18. Drew says:

    The weekly enema is also a rip off of a former UW paper called the weekly enema only the UW enema was auctually weekly. THe OC would kill your staff in a drinnking contest if we have our primetime players. Have you ever seen Guy simmons drink he is a fucking tank.

  19. Betz says:

    “No, Weekly Enema = unfunny Onion rip-off…”

    Still better than most of the other student publications out there.

  20. Kai Davis says:

    Four. Soon to be five, though.

  21. CJ Ciaramella says:

    No, Weekly Enema = unfunny Onion rip-off with 4 (5?) issues to its name.

  22. Timothy says:

    Losing when outnumbered by about 2-1 is an acceptable, if not admirable, outcome. What you needed was a ringer.

    And just so I’ve got my campus rags straight, Enema = unfunny Oregon Voice, right?

  23. Kai Davis says:

    “I think the Enema should put their money where their mouth is and partake in a drinking contest against us, ha!”

    Sure! I wanted to wait until later in the year to talk about this, but we’d be down with a drinking contest. Equal team sizes, of course. If OC staffers are serious about this, someone email me and we can discuss it.

  24. Carly says:

    Firstly, I take offense to the Commentator women being referred to as “manly” in that article. And what’s wrong with High Life? I’m pretty sure it would have actually killed everybody if we were pounding back a couple dozen Ninkasis. I think the Enema should put their money where their mouth is and partake in a drinking contest against us, ha! I’m gonna go wipe my ass with the latest issue of the Enema now.

  25. Kai Davis says:

    CJ,

    Sorry mate, I didn’t know that you paid for the keg yourself. Can I buy you / OC staffers a pint next time we’re both at Rennie’s?

  26. Vincent says:

    The Geology Club is, as far as I can tell, an excuse for grad students in the Geology Department to show up at Rennie’s and drink to excess.

    And yes, there were probably 20-25 people at any given time drinking from their keg and maybe 12-15 from ours.

    That being said, we gave ’em hell.

  27. T says:

    Man, I’m out of touch. What the fuck is he Geology Club? And if they indeed had more people than the OC, I call foul.

  28. CJ Ciaramella says:

    Vincent wrote:
    “Pricks. I mean really. Who shows up at someone else

  29. CJ Ciaramella says:

    I don’t care that they drank our booze and bagged on us (Lord knows I’ve crashed enough parties), but to insult our graciously provided beer? Man, in some cultures that’s like spitting on someone’s mother.

    As for the details: The geology club challenged us to a contest to see who could finish a keg the fastest, with the overarching goal of getting nasty drunk (in that sense, everyone was indeed a winner). We were at slight disadvantage in numbers, which led to a loss in the ostensible contest. I will say, however, that we put up a valiant effort.

  30. T says:

    Not to dump on you for losing the contest, which I suppose Tim will do once the details of this shameful episode are fully exposed, but how do you “lose” a drinking contest? Drinking has always seemed like a win-win situation, unless you happen to die of alcohol poisoning or something.

  31. Timothy says:

    Who shows up at someone else

  32. Jacoby says:

    I took a dump earlier that is funnier than the latest issue of the WE

  33. Vincent says:

    Pricks. I mean really. Who shows up at someone else’s party, drinks everyone’s beer, bitches about it, and insults everyone who hosted the party?

    Classy move, Weekly Enema kids.

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