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An Open Letter to a Special Little Snowflake

The Ol’ Dirty isn’t known for the high quality of its letters-to-the-editor, but one Chelsea Beebe really brought her A-game in the latest issue:

My personal experience with the Department of Public Safety has been a terrible one. Freshman year, my car was parked in the dorm parking lot, literally 20 feet from the dorm, and it got stolen. Where was DPS? Luckily my car was recovered, but it needed repairs, so while it was in the shop I got a rental. I went to DPS to get a temporary parking permit for my rental car, and not only did they make me pay for it, they would only let me have a permit that lasted two days at a time. I was busy and didn’t have time to renew the permit at one point, and only two hours after it had expired I had three tickets. So, lets recap: My car got stolen under DPS’s watch and it doesn’t have the courtesy to give me a free temporary permit for my rental car? That’s just not right. I wrote to you because four years later, I still fume about it and other DPS injustices (such as ticketing my fiancee’s car 10 minutes after his meter expired). I think UO students need to be represented and DPS needs to realize it has some unfair ticketing practices.

Unfortunately, it’s Finals Week and, with Christmas Break nearly upon us, the likelihood of the Emerald publishing a response to Ms. Beebe’s philippic seems slim. The Commentator would therefore like to address the following open letter to little Chelsea:

Dear Chelsea,

College can be a confusing time, can’t it? Our bodies are changing, we’ve got all kinds of new responsibilities, and so many of us are away from home for the very first time! What an exciting time! But college is a time for learning too, Chelsea. After reading your little letter in the Emerald, I thought it might be helpful for me to share some of the wisdom I’ve accrued over the course of my 25 years here at the University of Oregon.

So here goes: Stop being such a fucking baby already.

Let me see if I understand this correctly: you wanted DPS to treat you like the special little princess you are and give you free parking for your rental car because your other car got stolen? And because your time was so important that you couldn’t be bothered to drop by DPS to renew the permit, you ended up with a bunch of parking tickets because you left your car sitting around? Unless you personally arranged for a detail of DPS officers to keep an eye on your car 24/7 (and since you’re evidently more important than everyone else on campus, I can’t rule this out), I fail to see how any of this is DPS’s  fault.

Worse still, you’re still “fuming” about this, and other great injustices like your boyfriend getting a parking ticket for letting his meter expire, four years later. I can see why you might be upset that someone with the breeding and social position of yourself and your boyfriend should be subjected to the very same parking rules that the rest of us hoi polloi have to deal with. I honestly don’t know how you’ve managed to cope for all this time! Things must have been very difficult for you.

But be strong, Chelsea. Chin up. Maybe one day DPS will realize the error of their ways and refund the money they robbed from you.

Until then, you can kiss my ass.

Yours truly,

Sudsy O’Sullivan

p.s. You should think seriously about applying for a job writing opinion columns for the Emerald. Pretty please?

  1. Kniterations says:

    […] car after you leave it, and they even wanted me to pay for a permit when I had a handicap pass. But this girl is a little more pissed than I ever was – and totally gets called out on […]

  2. Lee says:

    DPS still sucks.

  3. Sensible leadership says:

    Haley, strike another senator down. go get em girlfriend.

  4. Michelle Haley says:

    Simply amazing. I heartily enjoyed reading her letter yesterday, and this response is like the icing on my finals cake!

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