Eugene Weekly letters: better than crack. Or crack-induced. Whatever.
I opened the Eugene Weekly this week to the letters section (as I often do for entertainment) and came across this gem:
HAND JOB IS BETTER
Another case for legalized prostitution in Eugene:
There is more dignity and public service in offering a $5 hand job than being dressed as a national monument and dancing on 7th Avenue to remind us to get our taxes done.
The fuck, people …
Jeff Albertson, Springfield
The art is in the indignation.
I hit the EW website to find the letter and found another hilarious one:
BIRDBRAIN TIMES
Two days ago, I was staring out a window, when a common jay caught my eye. It was painstakingly burying a large peanut in the leaves right outside. Pecking, digging, stacking leaves … just like a squirrel, and all for a peanut.
Maybe birds should be in charge. On a good day we’d get stork-like treatment, on a bad day, a talon thrill ride into the sunset. At least birdbrains would follow predictable, instinctive behavior.
While we humans are slugging it out with ourselves — our instinct to survive apparently lost; our unpredictability growing.
It’s high time to bring on the birdbrains. What have we got to loose? [sic] Everything.
Dan Dubach, Eugene
Legalizing prostitution and handing the city over to birds: clearly the best way to solve our problems.
