Ah, dead week. So bittersweet, killing yourself studying but knowing that in a short week and a half this term will finally be over and you can head back to whatever foreign land you came from to have your parents shower you in presents, food, and menorahs. Maybe you’re from the Bay Area and you’re stoked to get back to “Norcal” as almost everyone is. Maybe you’re my spoiled co-worker and your parents are taking you to Hawaii for three weeks. Maybe you’re me and all you have to look forward to is a two-hour drive and a family that is suspiciously lack-luster around the holidays, I don’t know. Whatever you’re doing over the month long break, I would put money on the fact that you’re going to see some old people, whether they are the old people who birthed the old people who birthed you or they’re just some old people who exist in your line of sight, it’s gonna happen, and when it does, I hope you think of one thing:

Those old people are probably getting laid more than you are. A recent study said that couples over 65 reported being “very happy” with their life, contingent on the fact that they have sex more than once a month. Do you have sex more than once a month? Your hand doesn’t count, and neither do your sisters. Brace yourself though, because I have more big news, more than half of 75 to 85-year-olds have reported having sex more than two or three times a month, and that’s after their sexual frequency declined over the years.  Twenty-three percent report having sex more than once a week. Using my keen deductive reasoning skills, this tells me that the wrinkly grandparents of the baby boomer generation that “just don’t understand why I can’t settle down and get a degree in a real major” are a bunch of big ol’ sluts. On the same note, I can’t wait to be old and finally get laid by somebody other than my sister. Happy Holidays, and don’t eat too many of your grandmas cookies, because who knows if she washed her hands after touching your grandpas junk!

This entry was posted on Friday, December 2nd, 2011 at 18:54 by Hailey and is filed under Miscellaneous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.