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Anticipating the Emerald’s Monday Issue

Monday is the last day of regular printing for the Ol’ Dirty this year. They have a tradition of printing opinion columns from departing news and editorial staff in their final Spring issue of Spring, and if last year is any indication, expect things to be mushy, pointless, and nearly unreadable.

But it did get me to thinking, what will this year’s staff write about? My guesses for their headlines:

Shadra Beesley: I Doesn’t Always Come Before E, You C?
Parker Howell: According to the SPJ, Stephen Colbert is a Blogger, not a Journalist
Amy Lichty: The NY Times Could Learn a Thing or Three from Pitchfork
Steve Neuman: My Only Regret is a Lack of Podcasts
Jared Paben: I Covered the Bar Stories No One Else Dared To
Ailee Slater: Zarqawi: Terrorist, Feminist, or Both?
Nick Wilbur: Why I Voted for Dallas Brown
Kai-Huei Yau: The Weyerhaeuser Plant’s in Millersburg, Jackass

Aaaaaand it’s 4:34 in the morning.

  1. Meghann says:

    all of the above.

  2. Timothy says:

    There are a few ways to take that:

    1) He is, in fact, addicted to ketamine.
    2) He is, in fact, made of ketamine.
    3) He is, in fact, the helmet-wearing kind of special.
    4) He is, in fact, capable of making you lose inches off of your waist.

  3. Ian says:

    Hey, if Duranty can keep his, no reason to keep Kleckner out of the club!

    Some ODE staffers are apparantly refering to incoming Editor Ryan Knutson as “Special K” as well.

  4. Meghann says:


  5. Niedermeyer says:

    Hey now. The Editor-in-Chiefs girlfriend doesn’t get a beer bottle thrown at her every weekend.

    News Team: Assemble!
    (to coin a phrase).

  6. f says:

    Yeah that probably didn’t need to be a story. I’m sure that happens every weekend.

  7. Blaser says:

    With all this talk of credibility by the Emerald staff, I really enjoyed reading the long, in-depth brief about how the editor’s girlfriend had beer poured all over her when a bottle, tossed by some drunk fool, came flying for her head at their end of the year party. The best part was when the guy tried to steal their BBQ grill as he was making his getaway … I’m sure that story was a real hard scoop to come by, especially since all of the witnesses interviewed were Emerald staffers. Man, real journalism is tough! I commend those brave enough to print stories about their own parties where the drunks are both out of control AND hate your publication enough to get into a fight. Kudos.

  8. Timothy says:

    Then there was that whole “he killed himself because he was gay!” thing citing only unnamed “community members” bit. That’s pulitzer material right there! Hey, if Duranty can keep his, no reason to keep Kleckner out of the club!

  9. Tyler says:

    The SPJ is a little wishy-washy, actually. The funny thing about the journalism field is that journalists so desperately want to belong to a professional field, like lawyers and doctors. The SPJ is an attempt to codify journalistic ethics, but it has no real backbone. I mean, “Give a voice to the voiceless.” What the fuck does that mean, exactly? Also, the ODE has a pretty sordid history of violating this tenet: “Be judicious about naming criminal suspects before the formal filing of charges.” Not as much recently, but this sort of thing led to a suicide a few year’s back.

    Nice to have you with us, though, Catie.

  10. Niedermeyer says:

    Credibility sure is a funny thing. We actively avoid it, and it gets thrust upon us. And we don’t even get a catered awards show every year.

  11. Ian says:

    Is it available in Podcast form? I’m not exactly the readin’ type.

  12. Catie says:

    Have you even read it Ian? If so why doesn’t your staff follow it?

  13. Ian says:

    Yeah, I don’t know. I think I’m going to have to stick by my wild, unsourced guess on this one. The SPJ doesn’t even mention Facebook, Ms. Goodwin.

  14. Susan Goodwin says:

    While I certainly respect the blogging the Commentator does, I am often offended by its lack of journalistic reporting. A simple search would have shown you that I am a senior graduating next week and getting the hell of Eugene. Even better, had anyone from the Commentator asked me for an interview, I would have gladly accepted over drinks at Max’s or Rennie’s, two places I hear Commentator Kids frequent. We could have discussed how four years in Eugene makes you a bit crazy, the merits of bars that don’t serve hard liquor, and why libertarianism is the same sort of unrealized idealism characteristic of this little bubble known as the ‘Euge. And for the record, my headline would have been: “Goodwin: A tour de force of non-stop nonsense.”

  15. Ian says:

    I think Goodwin’s going to be around next year, but that’s pretty fucking good nevertheless, Matt.

  16. Matt P. says:

    Susan Goodwin: A Poem Dedicated to the Taser-Toting DPS…

  17. Anthony says:

    Oh how I long for the hate issue.

  18. Tyler says:

    It’s 98 % done. However, if I’m not mistaken, even when Ian completes it today, it may not be up online for a day or two or three.

  19. Timothy says:

    Quiero HATE por favor! Donde esta el HATE?

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