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Reefer Madness

I love the Emerald, and not just because they took Tgraf off our hands. Seriously, their news rules. Like this baby, appearing in todays issue, in which we learn of a sudden increase in on-campus toking. At first I thought this was just another “DPS much more effective since getting the power to issue citations” pieces that have appeared recently in the ‘Ol Dirty, but oh no. Instead, we are taken inside the seamy world of marijuana smokers, and the valiant defence waged by DPS against this menace.

It turns out, that DPS’s new power is not responsible for the spike in “pot busts,” it’s fact that more people are smoking marijuana more than ever before. With 46 “busts” already this term, DPS Top “Cop” Tom Hicks admitted a crisis, saying “The marijuana use is off the charts.” Apparently, DPS logs tell the Emerald that most of the reported use happens at Hayward Field and Hamilton Complex. It’s hard to tell if this is a joke or not… let me just say, surely this is not where the majority of this behavior actually happens.

One of the best insights into the clouded mind of the marijuana smoker comes from the enigmatically identified “University Officials.” “If toking up with friends becomes habitual in high school, the behavior tends to continue into college, where students live without parents’ noses sniffing in their business,” said the incognito administrator(s), who may well have followed up with “that’s where we come in.”

Several University officials actually went on the record, and upon reading the story probably wished they hadn’t. “Tobacco-fighting efforts geared toward teens may now be escalating teen pot smoking” is what Director of Student Life. Laura Blake Jones, reportedly said, apparently with no accompanying evidence. Michael Eyster, Interim Vice President for Student Affairs is quoted as saying that he doesn’t know if the movie “Animal House,” which depicts rambunctious college behavior partially filmed on the University campus, influenced students’ perceptions of the University’s party scene, but that some students begin fall term expecting lax rules toward drinking and drugs. Stunning analysis of the situation, sir.
There is one silver lining to this thick, pungent cloud… basic constitutional rights still apply to all students! Eyster confirmed that 4th amendment rights can not be violated, even if you are smoking a big fatty in your dorm room. You don’t have to break the seal on your hotbox just for the DPS officer at the door, according to Eyster, but they’ll still find your records and slap you on the wrist over at Student Judicial Affairs. Also, acccording Student Affairs, Residence Hall Assistants (RA’s) cannot confiscate your weed, no matter how much of a power trip they happen to be on… so next time your RA shakes you down, tell him where to stick it, and tell him Sudsy sent ya.

  1. Timothy says:

    The case is truly undeniable.

  2. T says:

    Gasp! You, sir, are correct. …

  3. Timothy says:

    T: So we give her a pass on the first year, but how do you explain the second? And is it purely coincidental that she has a huge map of GERMANY and speaks fluent GERMAN? I think not!

  4. T says:

    C’mon, Tim, your former roommate was an RA. Now, we could argue that she WAS complicit in crimes against humanity, but she didn’t know what she was getting into when she signed up!

    Having said that, the RA position attracts a lot of douchebags, some of whom end up running for ASUO executive.

    The Animal House quote is priceless, considering that UO tour guides and recruiters are required to play up the UO’s role in that film. The University totally uses it as a recruiting tool.

  5. niedermeyer says:

    Shouldn’t you be at work, Dustin?

  6. Dustin says:

    Nevada and Colorado have measures to decriminalize up to an ounce of marijuana. This is Nevada’s third attempt to turn out the stoner vote. I moved to Eugene after the second try failed to pass by single digits. I supported these initiatives back home and have found the unspoken decriminalization here in Eugene to further enhance all the standard libertarian arguments in regards to decrim. Appartantly campus is the only place in Eugene where someone will give a shit if you burn a fatty.

  7. Timothy says:

    “I was just following orders” didn’t fly at Nuremberg and it won’t fly here!

  8. Brian says:

    As a former RA, I can tell you how much of a bitch it was to go on rounds twice a week and argue with people over whether or not drug use is allowed in the dorms. Hey, I hated busting people for it just as much as the bustees hated getting their buzz killed, but rules is rules, and work is work. I can’t tell you how many times I had to actually debate with residents over what “constituted” a bottle of alcohol, or find out how one “prepares for” a shower by walking out of the stalls fully clothed, towel in one hand and Febreze in the other. I can’t speak for all RA’s, but I know I never confiscated weed; that’s supposed to be handed straight to DPS.

    I’m not going to say that all RA’s are innocent of being on power trips. All I know is that I did it for the free room and board, and in order to keep that up I had to fulfill my duties. I guarantee you that’s what you’ll hear from many ex-RAs, or even current ones if you can find some who don’t care about the rule they have that they can’t serve as PR people for Housing.

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