Power! Unlimited Power!
The great political machine chugs on, and I am closer than ever to a seat on the ASUO Senate, closer to striding the corridors of power. Today ASUO Exec Sam Dotters-Katz sent out an email announcing my appointment. As you might remember, I submitted an application earlier for the vacated journalism seat. But alas, the news of my appointment barely had time to dry on the page before the liberal media began their vicious assault on my character. Behold:
I honestly don’t know which side of CJ Ciaramella will be on display during his confirmation hearing. The tone of the letter suggests that it will be the one that led him to request (and recieve) $3 in ASUO money for a live unicorn and a stripper pole during the Commentator’s budget hearing before the PFC, having stumbled smoking a Camel menthol from the direction of Rennie’s Landing moments before. It wouldn’t make him so out of place. Everyone likes a joke, and I know of several current and former Senators who have intimate relationships with fifths of corn whiskey and $2 beers.
However, Ciaramella could also surprise us and draw on the strongly ideological side that led him to speak out at Athan Papailiou’s confiramtion hearing, calling the former Senate President the only obstacle to the “gravy train” chugging along under the aegis of the programs-friendly crowd.
This is nothing but cheap libel! I have not nor will I ever smoke a Camel menthol. I demand a retraction! Is this what passes for journalism? For shame, for shame! Let all the honest, hard-working, small-town Americans see how the latte-sipping, liberal elite look down their noses on us!
P.S. Yes, the Oregon Commentator now has a stripper pole line item on its budget.
P.P.S. Headline reference here.
“However, the basis for funding unicorn came under skepticism due to actual usage of the line item, so the funding was not allocated for that item.”
For clarification I believe it was because the Unicorn may have been used for fundraising, which is not allowed.
It’s good to see that the PFC understands the necessity of overcoming oppression and creating a safe space on campus for horny beasts.
This is to clarify the issue of the Live Unicorn Line Item:
The live unicorn came under serious consideration for funding due to the fact that there is now a similar creature present on our planet. However, the basis for funding unicorn came under skepticism due to actual usage of the line item, so the funding was not allocated for that item.
However, there was seed money placed under the Stripper Pole line item because that can, in fact, further the cultural development here on campus.
Seriously.
No one’s really buying the fake “MCC zealot” posts anymore, FYI.
Truth, you obviously have never taken a ethnic studies class because people of color can’t be racist. Racism is an institution of power and Sam and johnnys rich white asses buying an election against kari was 100% race and class opression. They are the racists.
“It is true that no money was allocated for the live unicorn. However, and perhaps the members of the PFC were unaware, 10 percent of any line item can be transfered to another line item
Carina Miller and Diego Hernandez are racists!
During Athan’s confirmation hearing, both of them defamed Athan’s moral character while simultaneously citing Kari Herinckx’s loss to “two white boys” in the ASUO election.
I pray to God that they don’t get elected. Talk about a special interest executive ticket!
Someone bring Carina Miller a box of tissues for this confirmation hearing. That NASU budget is going down the garbage disposal!
Wait, Tomcat takes his job blogging at the Ol’ Dirty seriously? Did I fall through the looking glass or some shit?
Also, dude, I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothing, but I think unicorns are totally kick ass.
Congratulations, sweet pants.
Dude, lighten up.
Oh, and also I talked to the freelancers I had in the room and to Nick Schultz, Andy Cox and Mikey Broetzmann and they said that they did in fact give you a dollar of “growth funding” for the unicorn. I think you should probably have asked for food for it, though. Unicorn chow is pricier than you realize.
Well, it was definitely a menthol, because I remember the green band around the white filter. I admit that Camel was maybe a bit of a leap, but it was not an American Spirit.
And when I saw you, you were crossing Hilyard alongside 13th, which is in fact to the Northeast of the EMU Board Room, which is technically “the direction of Rennie’s,” though I admit that assuming you were actually coming from there was a slightly irresponsible inference.
Well, the funny thing is I don’t actually smoke. I mean, I might have bummed one from one of my friends, in which case it was probably an American Spirit or some hippie bullshit like that. My memories are also admittedly hazy. However, I was most certainly coming from south of campus, not from Rennie’s.
So what were you smoking, CJ?
Yeah, lighten up indeed… Sheesh.
It was some kind of menthol. I distinctly remember the green band when I saw you on the street. Was it a Crush?
“really harmed what remains of the Emerald
I like Tomcat (as Michelle Haley and I have decided to call Alex Tomchak in all future references). What he lacks in detail he makes up for in moxie.
Vincent,
It is true that no money was allocated for the live unicorn. However, and perhaps the members of the PFC were unaware, 10 percent of any line item can be transfered to another line item’s budget.
Since we received a only a 2.5% increase (far less than our modest and fiscally responsible 43% increase), the OC will have approximately 1400 bucks to buy a live unicorn with next year.
Or a stripper pole.
I wonder why the Pope Mobile wasn’t approved. Cheap bastards?
I’d also like to add:
a) In my (admittedly hazy) recollection, we did not receive any money for a live unicorn.
b) You were not at Rennie’s Landing before the budget hearing. I, however, was.
“Alexander Tomchak” has really harmed what remains of the Emerald’s credibility with his apparent inability to correctly report even the most basic of facts.