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Did it all for the Nookie

It’s hard being a teenage boy. Oil is seeping from every pore, getting beer is a risky and arduous quest, and, unless you’re lucky enough that some classmate is willing to touch your junk, you’re spending your nights with Rosie Palm and her five single sisters. So this is why I, and I’m sure many others, sympathize with Rubin Vati, 18, who traveled almost 2,000 miles from Phoenix to Milwaukee to meet up with two internet girlfriends for what turned out to be satantic ritual sex.

I’m sure Vati had to have some kind of reservations about the sanity of Rebecca Chandler, 20, and Raven Larabee, 22 (pictured below), but hey, pussy’s pussy. It wasn’t until the 300th stab wound that Vati decided things had gotten out of hand and broke free from his lover’s duct tape restraints and ran out into the street to call for help, leaving a trail of blood that the police later followed to located the suspected perpetrators. A copy of The Necromantic Handbook was found in the house.

Chandler and Larabee are being held on bond in Wisconsin. Vati is expected to make a full recovery, and is going to avoid Twilight girls from now on.

Chandler, left, Larabee, right

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